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英文笑话

　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇1

　　Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

　　"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

　　The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

　　There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

　　两个猎人在森林里打猎，突然一人晕倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滞。另外一个人掏出手机，拨打911。

　　“我想我的朋友死了！”他喊道，“我该怎么办？”

　　接线员说：“请冷静。首先，请确认他是否真的死了。”接着一阵沉寂，然后是一声枪响。回到电话中，猎人接着说：“好了，然后呢？”

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇2

　　A small boy and his father were having a walk in the country when it suddenly began to rain very hard． They did not have their umbrella with them， and there was nowhere to hide from the rain， so they were soon very wet， and the small boy did not feel very happy． For a long time while they were walking home through the rain， the boy was thinking． Then at last he turned to his father and said to him，“Why does it rain， Father？ It isn't very nice， is it？” “No， it isn't very nice， but it's very useful，Tom，”answered his father．“It rains to make the fruit and the vegetables grow for us， and to make the grass grow for the cows and sheep．” Tom thought about this for a few seconds， and then he said，“Then，why does it rain on the road too， Father？”

　　一个小男孩和他的父亲正在乡间行走，突然下起了大雨。 他们没带伞，加上四下无处可以躲雨，所以很快他们浑身上下被淋湿了，小男孩感到很不好受。 他们在雨中朝家走去，有好一会儿，那个男孩一直在思索着什么。后来终于他朝父亲转过脸去，问他说：“爸爸，为什么天会下雨呢？下雨可不太好，是吧？” “是呀，下雨是不太好，可是下雨也有很多有益的地方，汤姆。”父亲回答说。“老天爷下雨促使了为我们所食用的水果和蔬菜的生长，同样也促使牛羊所吃的青草的生长。” 汤姆对父亲的这番话想了一会，然后说：“那么，父亲，老天爷为什么还要把雨下在路上呢？”

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇3

　　One Point

　　Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., and the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year －"62-63", "63-64", "64-65", etc.

　　One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

　　一分之差

　　位于印第安那州瓦巴西的怀兹中学，其门厅里悬挂着过去四十年间样篮球队的照片。每幅照片前排中间的队员举着一个篮球，上面标明年份－“62-63”，“63-64”，“64-65”等等。

　　一天，我看到一个新生很困惑地看着照片。他朝我转过身来，说道：“多奇怪呀，这些队都是以一分之差输掉的！"

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇4

　　who want to go to heaven

　　The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.

　　As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

　　Awaking with a start , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit , "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

　　牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。

　　一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来!”

　　打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇5

　　A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."

　　"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

　　The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

　　一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说：“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”

　　“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”

　　律师看起来有些困惑，“你是怎么引起洪水的？”他不解的问。

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇6

　　Blind Date

　　After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

　　相亲

　　和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇7

　　Walking up to a department store's fabric（织物，布） counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

　　"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） . "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

　　With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly（故意使人烦恼地） held it out.

　　The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer（老家伙） standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

　　一个漂亮的.女孩走到百货公司的布料柜台，说：“我想要买这种料子来做一条新裙子，多少钱？”

　　“每码只需要一个吻。”男售货员说着，带着奸笑的表情“很好，”女孩说，“我要十码。”

　　带着期待的表情，售货员很快地量好了布料，包裹好，一脸奸笑地送了过来。

　　女孩很快收起了包裹，微笑着指向了一个站在她身边的老头：“爷爷给我付账。”

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇8

　　Good Boy

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　好孩子

　　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

　　“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”

　　“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”

　　“她是个卖糖果的。”

　　Nest and Hair

　　My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

　　"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

　　"I see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

　　"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

　　"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

　　Notes:

　　鸟窝与头发

　　我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。

　　“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。

　　“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。

　　“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。

　　“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇9

　　A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

　　一个人正在看报纸，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。

　　He asks, What was that for?

　　他问道：“干什么？”

　　She says, I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it.

　　她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”

　　He says, Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on. She shrugs and walks away.

　　他说：“哎呀，亲爱的，‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。

　　Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

　　三天后他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。

　　He asks, What was that for?

　　他问：“又干嘛？”

　　She answers, Your horse called.

　　她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”

　　笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇10

　　The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.孩子们在天主教学校的自助食堂中排队打午饭。

　　At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

　　在桌子的前端有一大堆苹果。修女写了一张字条，把它贴在了苹果盘上：“只能拿一个，上帝在看着。”

　　Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

　　继续排着队向前走，在桌子的尽头有一大堆巧克力脆饼。

　　A child had written a note, "Take all you want.God is watching the apples."

　　一个孩子写了张字条：“随便拿，上帝在看着苹果。”

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 1

　　Jimmy is three years old.

　　吉米3岁了。

　　One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"

　　一天，他正在窗口观望，夜幕降临。他突然喊道：“妈妈，妈妈，快来关窗!”

　　"Why? Its not cold, sonny."

　　“为什么?天不冷呀，宝贝。”

　　"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."

　　“是的，妈妈，可黑夜会进来。”

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 2

　　A:what is your name? 你叫啥名?

　　B:Hu胡(谐音:谁)

　　A:you~你

　　B:Hu~胡

　　A:Who?谁?

　　B:yes, I am~是，我就是

　　A:I want to know your name我只是想知道你的名字

　　B:Hu胡啊

　　A:You!你!

　　B:Yes, my name是啊，我的名字啊

　　A:So tell me about it那就告诉我啊

　　B:Hu!胡!

　　A:You! What is your name!? 你!你叫啥名?!

　　B:Hu is my name!我就叫胡

　　A:O~哦

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 3

　　-How much does a polar bear weigh?

　　-How much?

　　-Enough to break the ice! Hi, my name is John。

　　-你知道北极熊有多重吗?

　　-多重呢?

　　-足够破冰(双关：打破沉默)!你好，我叫约翰~!

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 4

　　Harry: "My big brother shaves every day."

　　哈里：“我哥哥每天都刮脸。”

　　Henry: "My brother shaves fifty times a day."

　　亨利：“我哥哥每天刮50次脸。”

　　Harry: "Is he crazy?"

　　哈里：“他疯了吗?”

　　Henry: "No, hes a barber."

　　亨利：“没有，他是一名理发师。”

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 5

　　“i am sorry”。

　　“i am sorry， too” 外国人回答。

　　“i am sorry three” 我道。

　　“what are you sorry for?” 外国人问。

　　“i am sorry five” 我说……

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 6

　　Returning from a golf outing(远足，短途旅行) , my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?

　　Uncle Richie and I dont play golf to win, my husband hedged(避免作正面答复) . We just play to have fun.

　　Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?

　　丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔?

　　我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，丈夫推诿说。我们打球只是为了好玩而已。

　　莎拉毫不气馁，又问：那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢?

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 7

　　Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft(阁楼) and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.

　　Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry(钟楼) and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated(熏制) , and they still won’t go away.

　　The third said, I baptized(洗礼) all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!

　　三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的一个说道：“你们知道吗，自从夏天来临，我的教堂的.阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰，我用尽了一切办法----噪音、喷雾、猫----似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。”

　　另外一位说：“是啊，我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍，它们还是赶不走。”

　　第三个牧师说：“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼，让它们成为教会的一员......从此一只也没有再回来过。”

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 8

　　拍卖!

　　When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long，the doorbell rang.”How much are you asking for the treesp"a young man asked.

　　我们决定卖掉我们的房子。于是，我们就在院前的'大树上钉了两块牌子，上面写着:“拍卖。”没过多久，我们的门铃就响了。一位年轻人问:“你们的树想卖多少钱?”

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 9

　　"Im going to draw a picture of God," a four-year-old girl said to her teacher.

　　一个4岁的.女孩对老师说：“我要画一幅上帝的画像。”

　　"But nobody knows what God looks like," the teacher said.

　　老师说：“可谁也不知道上帝长什么模样。”

　　"They will know when Ive finished," came the reply.

　　“等我画好后，他们就会知道的。“小女孩回答说。

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 10

　　One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau is known for his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I dont mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure theyre running!"

　　在开普吉拉多市的东南密苏里州立大学上学的时候，我喜欢的几个老师之中有一个以他的幽默感而出名。给新生上头一节课，他给学生解释在他课上的.纪律，他说：“我知道我的课经常会很枯燥乏味，所以我并不介意你们在课上看表。然而，我坚决不允许你们把表重重的摔在课桌上，以此来检查你的表是不是还在走。”

　　简短爆笑英语笑话 11

　　尴尬

　　My parents tour leader asked everyone to put their large suitcases outside their hotel rooms at bed time so the bus could be loaded for an early departure the next morning. Mom laid out their travelling clothes，repacked their things，took out her hearing aid and went to bed. Dad stepped into the hall to line up their luggage and the door clicked shut behind him，leaving him there in only his underwear.

　　我父母的导游负责人让大家在晚上睡觉前把箱子放在饭店的房门外。这样，化们可以在次日的凌晨早装车，早出发。妈妈铺开了旅行时穿的衣服，重新打了包。取下了助听器睡觉去了。爸爸要去大厅放行李，门咔嚓一下在他身后撞上了。他只穿着内裤，束手无策。

　　"It sure was embarrassing，“he told us later.”Your mother couldnt hear me，so I had to go downstairs and across the street to the office to get another key.”

　　他事后告诉我们:“我的确很尴尬。你妈妈她又听不见，没办法，我只好下楼穿过街到办公室去要另一把钥匙。”

　　"But, Grandpa.”our son piped up.”What about the clothes in the suitcase you put in the hall?"

　　“但是，爷爷，”我们的儿子说:“那么你为什么不穿放在大厅的'箱子里的衣服呢?”

【篇一】简短英语笑话带翻译

　　Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?

　　Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

　　Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

　　Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

　　老师：你愿意要半个柑橘，还是十分之五个柑橘?

　　杰拉得：我宁可要半个。

　　老师：仔细想想，说出理由来。

　　杰拉得：因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就损失太多了。

【篇二】简短英语笑话带翻译

　　One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

　　一位学生对另一位说：“你的 英语 最近学的怎么样?” “很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”

　　简单的中英文对照英语笑话：Get to the hospital 医院要怎么走

　　An absent-minded person was standing in the middle of a busy intersection where a policeman was directing traffic, and he kept bugging the policeman because he was confused.

　　"Excuse me, Officer! Can you tell me how to get to the hospital?"

　　The officer was very busy and said, "Just stand here and you'll get there!"

　　有个很健忘的人站在车水马龙的十字路口正中央，那里有个警察正忙着指挥交通，而他不断地去干扰这位值勤的警员，因为他搞不清楚方向。

　　他问道：“请问一下，警察先生，可以告诉我医院要怎么走吗?”

　　这个忙不过来的警察对他说：“就站在这里，你就会到医院了!”

【篇三】简短英语笑话带翻译

　　Someone asked a woman, "I see that you wear a locket on your neck. It must be a very dearmemento from some loved one." The woman said, "Yes, it is a lock of my husband's hair." So the friend said, "Wow! You are so sentimental! But your husband is still alive. Is it necessary?" And the woman said, "Yes! I know, but his hair is all gone."

　　有人问一位女士：“我看你的脖子上戴着一条心锁项链，这里面一定有你所爱的人的珍贵纪念物。”那位女士回答说：“是啊，里面珍藏着我先生的头发。”朋友接着说：“哇!多么浓情蜜意啊!但你的丈夫还活着，有这个必要吗?”那位女士说：“是啊!我知道，但是他的头发已经全部掉光了!”

　英语幽默笑话 1

　　An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I dont know whats the matter with me.Ive been limping for the last half hour.”

　　英语幽默笑话 2

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Monsignor." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Excellency."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Eminence.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, Oh, my God!"

　　英语幽默笑话 3

　　A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

　　英语幽默笑话 4

　　Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

　　Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

　　英语幽默笑话 5

　　A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

　　Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

　　The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

　　英语幽默笑话 6

　　When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators.

　　英语幽默笑话 7

　　Mary was so disgusted at her husbands cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday .’‘Dont worry ,dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later .’He said with a smile.

　　英语幽默笑话 8

　　The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin, he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

　　英语幽默笑话 9

　　He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."

　　英语幽默笑话 10

　　Are you using your mower this afternoon?

　　Mr. Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon?

　　Mr. Smith.Yes.

　　Mr. Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you wont be needing it ?

　　英语幽默笑话 11

　　A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "lve lost my moml" The cop said,"Whats she like?" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!”

　　英语幽默笑话 12

　　A bit of advice for those about to retire. lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community. Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid.

　简短的英语笑话1

　　These Are My Jeans!

　　After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago.

　　“Look，look.” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband.“I can wear my old jeans again.”

　　Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans.”

　　那是我的裤子!

　　一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好——特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的'，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”

　　简短的英语笑话2

　　The mean mans party.

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

　　吝啬鬼请客。

　　一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的`脚把门推开。”

　　“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

　　“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

　　简短的英语笑话3

　　All I do is pay.

　　"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary."

　　"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"

　　"Im the people. All I do is pay."

　　我要做的一切就是付钱。

　　布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。”

　　“听上去挺有意思的`，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？”

　　“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”

　　简短的英语笑话4

　　one day after school the teacher said to his students, "tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, i will permit him or her to go home earlier."

　　一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”

　　the next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed(涂抹) . he was very angry and asked, "who did it? please stand up!" "its me," said bob, "now, i can go home. good-bye, sir."

　　第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问：“谁涂的'？请站起来！”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见！”

　　简短的英语笑话5

　　before the final examination, tom told his mother, "mom, i had a dream last night that id passed todays exam."

　　在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”

　　"dont trust dreams, dear. it is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." mother replied.

　　“不要相信梦，亲爱的.。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。

　　"then i do hope ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," tom said.

　　“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。

　　简短的英语笑话6

　　Saving lives.

　　At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

　　"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

　　A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

　　"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

　　简短的英语笑话7

　　The mourners pain.

　　A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

　　The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

　　The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

　　The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wifes first husband.”

　　简短的英语笑话8

　　Black eyes.

　　A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

　　The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

　　The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

　　“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

　　简短的英语笑话9

　　Why should I give you money.

　　A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didnt donate even a cent to a charity.

　　"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and its not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sisters husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

　　"Im terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

　　The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if Im not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

　　简短的英语笑话10

　　The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate.

　　The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

　　由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。

　　客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的`好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？”“在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

　　简短的英语笑话11

　　One day, the father lets eight-year-old son send a letter. The son took the letter. The father then remembered he didnt write address and addressees name on the envelope.

　　After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter into the mail box?"

　　"Certainly."

　　"You didnt notice that?the envelope does not have address and addressees name on it?"

　　"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

　　"Then why?didnt you take it back?"

　　"I thought that you?did not write address and addressee, because you wouldnt let me know to whom you send the letter!"

　　简短的英语笑话12

　　The New Teacher.

　　George comes from school on the first of September.

　　"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

　　"I didnt like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

　长篇英语笑话 1

　　The Smart Dog

　　A man walks into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The dog jumps up onto the seat beside him, puts his paws on the bar, and orders a beer as well.

　　The bartender is taken aback and looks at the man. "Is that your dog?" he asks.

　　"Yes," the man replies.

　　"Well, he just ordered a beer," the bartender says.

　　The man looks at the dog with amazement and asks, "Did you really order a beer?"

　　The dog replies, "Yeah, itll help me forget where I parked the car."

　　长篇英语笑话 2

　　The Longest Sentence

　　Teacher: "If I said, I am beautiful, what would you say?"

　　Student: "You are not beautiful."

　　Teacher: "Thats not very nice. You should say, You are very beautiful."

　　Student: "OK. If you said, I am very beautiful, what would I say?"

　　Teacher: "You would say, You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen."

　　Student: "OK. But if I said, You are ugly, what would you say?"

　　Teacher: "Id say, You are not very nice."

　　Student: "If I said, You are very ugly, what would you say?"

　　Teacher: "Id say, You need to use kinder words."

　　Student: "And if I said, You are the ugliest person I have ever seen, what would you say?"

　　Teacher: "Id say, Why are you saying such mean things?"

　　Student: "Well, thats the longest sentence youve said so far."

　　长篇英语笑话 3

　　The New Computer

　　A man goes into a computer store and walks up to the sales counter.

　　"Id like to buy a computer," he says.

　　"Alright, sir," the salesperson replies. "Would you like a PC or a Mac?"

　　"I dont know," the man says. "Which one is better?"

　　"Well, theyre both good computers," the salesperson explains. "It really depends on what youre going to use it for."

　　"Im going to use it for email and internet," the man says.

　　"In that case, I would recommend a Mac," the salesperson suggests.

　　"OK, Ill take a Mac," the man says.

　　A few days later, the man comes back to the store with his new computer.

　　"Im having some trouble with my new computer," he says.

　　"What seems to be the problem?" the salesperson asks.

　　"Well, every time I try to type an email, it says You have entered an invalid email address."

　　"Lets see," the salesperson says, looking at the screen. "Youve typed gmail.com instead of com."

　　"Oh," the man says. "I thought it said gmail dot com."

　　长篇英语笑话 4

　　The Computer Virus

　　A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye that wont go away."

　　The doctor says, "Try not to use the computer so much."

　　The man replies, "But Im a computer programmer!"

　　The doctor says, "Then try to take some holidays."

　　The man says, "But I cant. I have a virus to fix!"

　　The doctor says, "Thats the problem. Your eye is infected with a virus too. Go home, take some time off, and stop fixing other peoples computers. Let your own system heal itself."

　　The man leaves the office and goes home. A week later he comes back to the doctor.

　　"Doctor," he says, "Your advice was excellent. My eye is completely healed now, but I have a new problem."

　　"Oh?" says the doctor. "And what is that?"

　　"Now I cant see my computer!"

　　长篇英语笑话 5

　　The Lawyer and the Engineer

　　An engineer and a lawyer were sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to New York.

　　The lawyer asked the engineer, "What do you do in engineering?"

　　The engineer said, "I design structures and machines."

　　The lawyer said, "That sounds pretty good. Whats your salary?"

　　The engineer said, "$100,000 a year."

　　The lawyer said, "Thats pretty good. Im a lawyer and I make $200,000 a year."

　　The engineer said, "Thats quite impressive. How long did you have to go to school to become a lawyer?"

　　The lawyer replied, "Seven years."

　　The engineer said, "I went to school for five years."

　　The lawyer said, "But you know, I passed the bar exam on my first try."

　　The engineer said, "I passed my first test on the first try too."

　　The lawyer said, "But I had to memorize the entire constitution."

　　The engineer said, "I had to memorize half of the train schedule for the entire eastern seaboard."

　　The lawyer said, "But I can add and subtract legal fees in my head."

　　The engineer said, "I can look at a group of dwarves and tell you which one will get sick in two days."

　　At this point, the lawyer looked very impressed and said, "My God, how can you possibly do that?"

　　The engineer said, "I dont know. But if Im wrong, I only lose $50."

　　长篇英语笑话 6

　　The Animal Doctor

　　A man takes his dog to the vet and says, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

　　"Well," says the vet, "lets have a look at him."

　　So he looks the dog over and says, "Im going to have to put him down."

　　"What? Because hes cross-eyed?"

　　"No, because hes heavy."

　　The man says, "What does that have to do with anything?"

　　The vet says, "Well, I cant do surgery on him while hes looking side to side."

　　长篇英语笑话 7

　　The Lighthouse Keepers Diary

　　Once upon a time, there was a lighthouse keeper who lived on a remote island. Every day, he would write in his diary, describing the weather and any interesting events that occurred.

　　One day, he wrote: "Dear diary, today a strange ship appeared on the horizon. It had a large flag with a skull and crossbones on it. I fear pirates!"

　　The next day, he wrote: "Dear diary, the pirates have landed on the island. They are loud and rowdy, and they seem to be looking for something. I am hiding in my cottage."

　　A few days later, he wrote: "Dear diary, the pirates have found my treasure chest! They are fighting over the gold and jewels. I am still hiding."

　　After a week, he wrote: "Dear diary, the pirates have left the island. They took all my gold and jewels, but I am safe. I will start rebuilding my life."

　　Months later, a passing ship found the lonely lighthouse keeper and offered him a ride back to civilization. As he was packing his things, he found his diary and flipped through the pages. Suddenly, he exclaimed, "Dear diary, I forgot to mention that I have a treasure chest!"

　　长篇英语笑话 8

　　The Doctors Visit

　　A man went to the doctors office for a routine check-up. As the doctor examined him, he asked, "How have you been feeling lately?"

　　The man replied, "Ive been feeling a bit under the weather lately. Ive lost my appetite, and I cant seem to sleep well."

　　The doctor nodded sympathetically and continued his examination. After a few minutes, he said, "Well, I dont see anything physically wrong with you. You might just be suffering from a bit of stress."

　　The man sighed and said, "Yes, I think youre right. My job has been very demanding lately, and Ive been feeling the pressure."

　　The doctor smiled and said, "Well, why dont you take a few days off and relax? Go somewhere nice, maybe the beach or the mountains. Get away from all the stress and come back refreshed."

　　The man brightened up and said, "That sounds like a great idea! Ill do that."

　　A week later, the man returned to the doctors office looking much better. "So, how was your vacation?" asked the doctor.

　　The man smiled and replied, "It was great! I went to the beach, and I relaxed and slept for days. I felt like a new person when I came back."

　　The doctor nodded approvingly and said, "Im glad to hear that. And hows your job been since youve been back?"

　　The mans face fell, and he said, "Oh, its been terrible. I came back to find that my boss had given my job to my assistant while I was away!"

　　长篇英语笑话 9

　　The Language Barrier

　　An American tourist was visiting Japan and decided to try out a local sushi restaurant. As he sat down at the counter, the chef greeted him with a warm smile and asked, "How can I help you?"

　　The tourist replied, "Id like to order some sushi, please."

　　The chef nodded and said, "Excellent choice! Our sushi is very fresh. What kind would you like?"

　　The tourist hesitated and then said, "Im not sure. What do you recommend?"

　　The chef thought for a moment and said, "Our tuna is very popular. Its caught fresh every day."

　　The tourist nodded and said, "That sounds good. Ill have the tuna sushi."

　　The chef smiled and began preparing the sushi. A few minutes later, he placed a plate in front of the tourist and said, "Here is your sushi. Enjoy!"

　　The tourist looked at the plate and frowned. Instead of the expected slices of raw fish, he saw a pile of finely chopped tuna mixed with rice and wrapped in seaweed.

　　He looked back at the chef and said, "Im sorry, but this isnt what I ordered. I asked for sushi, not sushi rolls."

　　The chef looked confused and said, "But sushi is sushi rolls. Thats how we serve it here."

　　The tourist shook his head and said, "No, sushi is slices of raw fish on top of rice. Thats what I want."

　　The chef shrugged and said, "Well, we dont have that. Here, sushi means sushi rolls. Youll have to get

　　长篇英语笑话 10

　　The Magic Mirror

　　A little boy goes into a shop and sees a beautiful mirror for sale. He decides to buy it and takes it home.

　　As soon as he gets home, he brings the mirror into his room and looks at himself. "Im handsome!" he says with a smile.

　　Later, his mother comes into his room and looks in the mirror. "Im beautiful!" she exclaims.

　　The father walks in and glances at the mirror. "Im rich!" he declares.

　　The little boys grandmother enters the room and peers into the mirror. "Im young!" she cries out.

　　Finally, the family dog trots in and sniffs the mirror. He whimpers and runs out of the room.

　　Later, the boys father asks, "Why did the dog run away when he saw the mirror?"

　　The boy replies, "He realized hes a dog!"

　　长篇英语笑话 11

　　The Missing Page

　　A man goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book.

　　"Im sorry, sir," the librarian says, "but that book is missing a page."

　　"Thats OK," the man replies. "I only need to read the first half."

　　A few days later, the man returns to the library with the book.

　　"How was the book?" the librarian asks.

　　"It was good," the man says, "but I have a complaint. You said it was missing a page, but it was missing two!"

　　"Oh, Im sorry about that," the librarian says. "Which pages were missing?"

　　"The last two," the man replies.

笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 1

　　视力训练

　　the squad were having "visual training". one smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. the party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied：

　　班里正在进行“视力训练”。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的.地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫地回答。

　　"sixteen men and a sergeant , sir."

　　“十六个兵外加一个中士，长官。”

　　"right, but how do you know theres a sergeant there?"

　　“正确，可是你怎么知道那儿有一个中士?”

　　"hes not doing any digging, sir."

　　“他不干活，长官。”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 2

　　要花多少钱才能结婚

　　a little boy asked his father, "daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

　　一个小男孩问他的父亲，“爸爸，要花多少钱才能结婚呢?”

　　and the father replied, "i dont know, son, im still paying."

　　“我也不知道，我现在还在交钱。”父亲回答。

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 3

　　I want a nightmare 想做坏梦

　　Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that Id passed todays exam.""Dont trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope Ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.

　　在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的`考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 4

　　吝啬鬼的餐会

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　一个声名狼藉的'小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

　　“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧?”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 5

　　心不在焉的丈夫

　　I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.

　　我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的'笔记本电脑。到了机场出口处时， 有位检查员要他打开包。但是包锁上了，机场工作人员耐心地等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。

　　“Why are you so nervous?"I asked him.

　　”你为什么那么紧张呢？“我问他。

　　"The numbers are the date of our annivorsary．my husband confessed.

　　“密码是我们的结婚纪念日。”他承认道”

　　你太晚了 You are too late 幽默笑话

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 6

　　I Wasnt Asleep

　　When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

　　"I wasnt asleep," the man answered.

　　"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

　　"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

　　我没有睡着

　　当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”

　　“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。

　　“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”

　　“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 7

　　The poor husband

　　"You cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

　　可怜的丈夫

　　“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的`答案是错的。”Where is the father?

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 8

　　Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

　　"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

　　The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　父亲在哪儿？

　　兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

　　“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”

　　“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”

　　哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 9

　　Does the dog know the proverb, too?

　　The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

　　"Its all right," said a gentleman, "dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?"

　　"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

　　狗也知道这个谚语吗？

　　一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

　　“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

　　“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 10

　　一 Can we have our teacher back？

　　Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"

　　能让我们的'老师回去吗？

　　有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 11

　　Whos More Polite?

　　A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

　　谁更有礼貌？

　　一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 12

　　Expensive Price

　　Dentist: Im sorry, madam, but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth.

　　Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

　　Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

　　昂贵的代价

　　牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的'儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

　　母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？

　　牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 13

　　quick cleanup 快速清扫

　　unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. she put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. it read "thank you for not looking in the bathtub."

　　不速之客就在路上，我妈妈，一个完美的家庭主妇，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后，当她去检查的.时候，她吃惊了，曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条，纸条上写着：“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 14

　　Computer problem 电脑问题

　　I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packards DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldnt solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges， and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"

　　我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了，有一天我接到一位客户的电话，她的.问题我没办法解决。她的问题是：打印机不能打出来黄色，但是其它颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷，因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装，但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们，他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉，我打算让客户把打印机寄给我们，这时候她平静地说了一句：“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 15

　　确认

　　Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

　　"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

　　The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

　　There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

　　两个猎人在森林里打猎，突然一人晕倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滞。另外一个人掏出手机，拨打911。

　　“我想我的`朋友死了！”他喊道，“我该怎么办？”

　　接线员说：“请冷静。首先，请确认他是否真的死了。”接着一阵沉寂，然后是一声枪响。回到电话中，猎人接着说：“好了，然后呢？”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 16

　　三只乌龟

　　Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.

　　三只乌龟决定去喝咖啡。

　　Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.

　　它们刚到咖啡店的门口，就下起雨来。

　　The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella."

　　于是最大的那只乌龟对最小的乌龟说，“你回家去取伞吧。”

　　The little turtle replied, "I will, if you dont drink my offee."

　　最小的`乌龟说，“如果你们不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。”

　　"We wont," the other two promised.

　　“我们不喝，”另外两只乌龟答应说。

　　Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isnt coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."

　　两年后，大乌龟对中乌龟说，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回来了，我们可以把它的咖啡喝掉了。”

　　Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I wont go."

　　正在这时，一个声音从门外传来，“你们要是喝了，我就不去。”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 17

　　Three Surgeons

　　Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."

　　"Thats nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

　　"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horses posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."

　　三个外科医生

　　三个有名的外科医生正在吹嘘他们的技术。“一个人断了一只手，他来找我，”一个说，“如今那个人是个音乐会的'小提琴手。”

　　“这算不了什么，”另一个说。“一个家伙两条腿断了，他来找我，我将它们接了回去。如今，那人是马拉松选手。”

　　“我比你们两个都强，”第三个说，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的车祸。除了一个马屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都没有留下。如今，那人坐在美国参议院里。”

　　笑破肚皮超好笑英语笑话 18

　　Clever Bobby

　　聪明的博比

　　Brown was very proud of his young son. Once he was talking to a visitor, telling the man how clever his son was.

　　布朗非常欣赏他的小儿子。一次他和一位客人聊他的儿子有多聪明。 布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的自然学家。来，我让你看看。”

　　"The boy is only two years old," he said, "and knows all animals. Hes going to be a great naturalist. Here, let me show you."

　　布朗说：“他只有两岁，就认识所有的动物了。他长大一定会是一个出色的.自然学家。来，我让你看看。”

　　He took a book of natural history from the bookshelf, placed Bobby on his knee, opened the book and showed him a picture of a giraffe(长颈鹿).

　　他从书架上拿下一本自然书，把博比抱到膝上，打开书。指着一张长颈鹿的画片。

　　"Whats that, Bobby?"

　　“博比，这是什么?”

　　"Horsey," said Bobby. Next of a tiger was shown, and Bobby said, "Pussy." Then Brown showed Bobby a picture of lion, and Bobby said, "Doggy." And when a picture of a chimpanzee was shown, Bobby said, "Daddy!"

　　“马马，”博比回答。 他又指了一张老虎的画片，博比回答说：“猫咪。” 然后布朗又指了一张狮子的画片，博比说：“狗狗。” 他又指了一张黑猩猩的画片，博比说：“爸爸!”

　笑到肚子疼的英语笑话(一)

　　I can’t Cook It

　　It’s sunny day in spring. Miss Cat is fishing. Suddenly the fishing rod moves. “Great! Oh, it’s so heavy!” Miss Cat says happily.

　　The fish is plucked out of the river. “Oh, a big fish! How big the fish is!” She cheers. But she puts the fish into the river and goes on fishing.

　　At the time Mr. House goes by and sees it. “What do you set it free?” He asks. “Because my pot is too small. I can’t cook it,” Miss Cat says.

　　我没法煮它

　　这是春天里一个阳光明媚的日子，猫小姐在河边钓鱼。突然鱼竿动了动。“太棒了!哇，好重啊!”猫小姐高兴地喊着。

　　鱼被拉出来了。“啊!一条大鱼!这条大鱼可真大呀!”她欢呼道。但是她却把鱼放回河里，又继续钓鱼。

　　这时候马先生路过，看见这一切，就问她：“为什么你把鱼放了?” “因为我的锅太小。我没办法烧这么大的`鱼。”猫小姐回答说。

　　笑到肚子疼的英语笑话(二)

　　Time is 8 years old, and follows her own ideas. When her parents tell her to do something, she always doesn’t do it.

　　Today, she will go to a friend’s birthday party. She is now choosing skirt to wear. She has three skirts: a blue skirt, a white one and a yellow one.

　　She asks her father, “Which one is the best?” her father says, “I think the blue one is the best.” Then she asks her mother, “Which one do you think is the best?” Her mother answers, “ The white one , of course!” Tina says, “Thank you.”

　　Then she puts on the yellow shirt and goes out.

　　缇娜8岁了， 她有自己的主意。当她的父母要她做事时，她总是不去做。

　　今天，她将去参加一位朋友的生日聚会。她在选择穿哪一条裙子. 她有三条裙子：一条是蓝裙子，一条白裙子和一条黄裙子。

　　她问她的父亲：“哪条裙子是最好的?”她的父亲说：“我认为蓝色是最好的。”她问她的母亲：“你认为哪条裙子是最好的?”她的母亲回答：“当然是白色的了。”缇娜说：“谢谢。”

　　她穿上黄色的裙子出去了。

　　笑到肚子疼的英语笑话(三)

　　Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

　　妈妈:这次测试你为什么得这么低的分?

　　Kid: Because of absence.

　　孩子:因为缺考。

　　Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

　　妈妈：你的意思是考试那天你没去?

　　Kid: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

　　孩子:不是，是坐在我旁边的孩子没来。

　英语笑话段子 1

　　1、An Exact Number 准确数字

　　A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur(恐龙) bones lying about.

　　How old are these bones? the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide.

　　Exactly one hundred million and three years old.

　　How can you be so sure? inquired the tourist.

　　Well, replied the guide, a geologist(地质学家) came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.

　　一位游客在新墨西哥游览，他对随处可见的恐龙化石甚感惊奇。

　　这些化石有多长的历史?游客问一个上了年纪的当地美国人，他是作向导的。

　　整整十亿零三年了。

　　你怎么这么肯定?游客问道。

　　哦，向导回答道，一个地质学家来过这儿，他告诉我说这些化石有十亿年了，再加上那是整整三年前的事了。

　　2、Do You Know My Work 你知道我是干嘛的吗

　　One night a hotel caught fire, and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes.

　　Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.

　　Before I came out, said one, I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People dont think of money when theyre afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire, the fire burns it. So I took all the bills that I could find. No one will be poorer because I took them.

　　You dont know my work, said the other.

　　What is your work?

　　Im a policeman.

　　Oh! cried the first man. He thought quickly and said, and do you know my work? No, said the policeman.

　　Im a writer. Im always telling stories about things that never happened.

　　一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡衣就跑了出来。

　　两个人站在外面，看着大火。

　　在我出来之前，其中一个说，我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬，所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了，没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。

　　你不知道我是干什么的，另一个说。

　　你是干什么的?

　　我是警察。

　　噢!第一个人喊了一声，他灵机一动，说：那你知道我是干什么的?不知道。警察说。

　　我是个作家，我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。

　　3、The Nice Wedding Gift

　　We attended the wedding of an acquaintances son. Because we did not know the young man or his bride, we decided to send them a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher.Apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because we received a card saying: Thank you very much for the nice wedding gift. We look forward to using it soon.

　　漂亮的结婚礼物

　　我们参加了一个熟人的儿子的婚礼。由于我们都不认识那个年轻人和他的新娘，所以我们决定送给他们一个实用的.全家礼----一个灭火器。很明显，这对新人大批量制作了他们的感谢信，因为我们收到了一张卡片，上面写着：“非常感谢您的漂亮的结婚礼物，我们期待着不久就用到它。”

　　4、Excuse for Speeding

　　Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.

　　"Why on earth were you driving so fast?" the policeman yelled.

　　"Our brakes are no good, so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!"

　　赶紧到达那里

　　哈里与劳埃德超速行驶，一辆警车拦住了他们。

　　“你们为什么开那么快?”警官喊道。

　　“我们的刹车不好，因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。”

　　英语笑话段子 2

　　1.I Wasnt Asleep

　　When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

　　"I wasnt asleep," the man answered.

　　"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

　　"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

　　我没有睡着

　　当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”

　　“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。

　　“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”

　　“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”

　　2.The poor husband

　　"You cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

　　可怜的丈夫

　　“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”Where is the father?

　　3.Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

　　"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

　　The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　父亲在哪儿？

　　兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

　　“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”

　　“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”

　　哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

　　4.Does the dog know the proverb, too?

　　The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

　　"Its all right," said a gentleman, "dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?"

　　"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

　　狗也知道这个谚语吗？

　　一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

　　“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

　　“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”

　　5.一 Can we have our teacher back？

　　Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"

　　能让我们的老师回去吗？

　　有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的`学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？”

　　6. Whos More Polite?

　　A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

　　谁更有礼貌？

　　一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。

　　7. Expensive Price

　　Dentist: Im sorry, madam, but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth.

　　Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

　　Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

　　昂贵的代价

　　牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

　　母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？

　　牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了

　　英语笑话段子 3

　　1、Very Pleased to Meet You

　　During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

　　One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.

　　Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

　　Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."

　　"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.

　　"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."

　　"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"

　　在第二次世界大战中，有许多年轻的妇女在军营中服役。琼.飞利浦斯是其中之一。她在一个大军营中工作，当然遇到了许多男士，包括军官和士兵。

　　一天晚上她在舞会上遇到了军官汉弗雷斯。他对她说，“我明天就要出国，但如果我们能够相互写信，我会很高兴。”琼同意了，于是他们几个月里一直通着信。

　　后来，他再没有来信。她收到了另一个军官的信，告诉她，他受伤了，住在英格兰的某个部队医院里。

　　琼到了医院，她对护士长说，“我来看望军官汉弗雷斯。”

　　“这里只有亲属可以探望病人。”护士长说。

　　“噢，是的，”琼说，“我是他的妹妹。”

　　“很高兴认识你，”护士长说，“我是他的母亲。”

　　2、Two Soldiers

　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"

　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.

　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.

　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"

　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.

　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.

　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.

　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"

　　军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”

　　比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。

　　乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。

　　这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”

　　比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。

　　乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的'信箱里，还有...”他停住了。

　　“你还要什么?”比尔问。

　　乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

　　3、Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五个月

　　第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。

　　可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。

　　“你多大了?”军医问。

　　“十八，长官。”约翰说。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”

　　约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”

　　4、West Point

　　My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."

　　One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."

　　父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好让我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”

　　一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”

　　5、Present for Girlfriend

　　At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.

　　The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."

　　送给女友的礼物

　　在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的礼物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗?”珠宝商问道。

　　那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”

超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 1

　　When we work evenings .we often order take-out food at the office.One night we all gave our orders to Sharon, who wrote the selections on a self-stick note. Unable to find our list when she arrived at the fastfood restaurant, Sharon stepped up to the counter. But before she could speak, the cashier recited the exact order. " How could you possibly know that?"asked Sharon.

　　在我晚上上夜班的办公室，大家常常订些外卖食品来吃。一天夜里，我们都找沙伦订了食品。她把订单列在一张不干胶的纸条上。等她到了饭店时，怎么也找不到那张订单了。沙伦走到柜台前，还没等她说话，收银员就背出了所有大家订的东西。沙伦问:“你怎么会知道这些的呢?”

　　"Tts right there," replied the cashier,"stuck to your chest."

　　“它就在这儿，”收银页说:“贴在了你的`胸前。”

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 2

　　When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long，the doorbell rang.”How much are you asking for the treesp"a young man asked.

　　我们决定卖掉我们的房子。于是，我们就在院前的'大树上钉了两块牌子，上面写着:“拍卖。”没过多久，我们的门铃就响了。一位年轻人问:“你们的树想卖多少钱?”

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 3

　　Some friends and I stopped at an ice-cream parlor.where I asked for my favorite，a hot-fudge sundae with chocolate ice cream. But when the waitress brought our orders，I saw that mine had vanilla ice cream. " I ordered chocolate,"I pointed out.

　　我和一位朋友来到一家冰淇琳店。我要了一个我最喜欢吃的巧克力奶油圣代。当女招待送来我的冰淇淋时，我发现我的冰淇沐是香草的。我说:“我要的是巧克力的。”

　　The young woman consulted her order pad and responded，"So you did. Ill take it back and get chocolate."

　　那位年轻的.女士查了一下订单回答说:“你确实要的是巧克力的。我把它拿回去，再给你拿一个巧克力的。”

　　“Never mind，”I said.”I dont like to see anything wasted."

　　“没关系，”我说:“我不想浪费东西。”

　　"Nothing is wasted around here!"she insisted.“We eat our mistakes. "

　　“这儿什么也浪费不了，”女招待坚持说:“我们吃掉自己的错误。”

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 4

　　About to be shipped out on a long tour of duty over-seas，I had called my wife from a coin-operated telephone at an Army camp on the West Coast. As I walked away，the phone rang，and I answered it，expecting to be told of extra charges. "I thought youd like to know,"the operator said,"that just after you hung up，the woman said,I love you. "

　　即将因工作远征出海，我就在西海岸军营地用一个投币电话给我的妻子拨了个电话。我刚要离开，电话铃响了。我估计是让我交超时费，所以只好去接。接话员说:“我想你可能想知道，你刚挂断电话，那个女的就说‘我爱你’。”

　　超爆笑的`英语笑话带翻译 5

　　My parents tour leader asked everyone to put their large suitcases outside their hotel rooms at bed time so the bus could be loaded for an early departure the next morning. Mom laid out their travelling clothes，repacked their things，took out her hearing aid and went to bed. Dad stepped into the hall to line up their luggage and the door clicked shut behind him，leaving him there in only his underwear.

　　我父母的导游负责人让大家在晚上睡觉前把箱子放在饭店的房门外。这样，化们可以在次日的凌晨早装车，早出发。妈妈铺开了旅行时穿的衣服，重新打了包。取下了助听器睡觉去了。爸爸要去大厅放行李，门咔嚓一下在他身后撞上了。他只穿着内裤，束手无策。

　　"It sure was embarrassing，“he told us later.”Your mother couldnt hear me，so I had to go downstairs and across the street to the office to get another key.”

　　他事后告诉我们:“我的确很尴尬。你妈妈她又听不见，没办法，我只好下楼穿过街到办公室去要另一把钥匙。”

　　"But, Grandpa.”our son piped up.”What about the clothes in the suitcase you put in the hall?"

　　“但是，爷爷，”我们的儿子说:“那么你为什么不穿放在大厅的箱子里的.衣服呢?”

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 6

　　Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft(阁楼) and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.

　　Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry(钟楼) and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated(熏制) , and they still won’t go away.

　　The third said, I baptized(洗礼) all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!

　　三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的'一个说道：“你们知道吗，自从夏天来临，我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰，我用尽了一切办法----噪音、喷雾、猫----似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。”

　　另外一位说：“是啊，我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍，它们还是赶不走。”

　　第三个牧师说：“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼，让它们成为教会的一员......从此一只也没有再回来过。”

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 7

　　Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals(长声尖叫) of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! Im going to have one of those someday, his dads response always was Not as long as Im alive.

　　One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! Im getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.

　　我五岁的儿子对摩托车有强烈的爱好。只要看见一辆摩托车，他就会高兴得哇哇直叫，并激动地说：瞧这辆!瞧这辆，我总有一天也要有一辆。他爸爸的.回答老是只要我活着，你就别想有这玩艺儿。

　　一天我们的儿子跟他的小朋友在说话，有一辆摩托车开了过去。他兴奋的指着摩托车叫道瞧这辆!瞧这辆!等我爸一死我就要有这样一辆摩托车了。

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 8

　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

　　His wife hears the commotion, knows that he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

　　小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的.船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。

　　他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么? 一个女生举手答道，是不是去取他的存款?

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 9

　　Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.

　　Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My fathers the one who dug the hole for it."

　　Bill wasnt impressed, "Well, thats nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My fathers the one who killed it!"

　　维尔和比尔在争吵，谁的'爸爸是更强壮的一个。维尔说：“你知道太平洋吗?那个坑是我爸爸挖的。”

　　比尔不屑地说：“那没什么。你知道死海吗? 那是我爸爸打死的。”

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 10

　　Returning from a golf outing(远足，短途旅行) , my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?

　　Uncle Richie and I dont play golf to win, my husband hedged(避免作正面答复) . We just play to have fun.

　　Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?

　　丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔?

　　我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，丈夫推诿说。我们打球只是为了好玩而已。

　　莎拉毫不气馁，又问：那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢?

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 11

　　Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals(长声尖叫) of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! Im going to have one of those someday, his dads response always was Not as long as Im alive.

　　One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! Im getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.

　　我五岁的儿子对摩托车有强烈的爱好。只要看见一辆摩托车，他就会高兴得哇哇直叫，并激动地说：瞧这辆!瞧这辆，我总有一天也要有一辆。他爸爸的回答老是只要我活着，你就别想有这玩艺儿。

　　一天我们的`儿子跟他的小朋友在说话，有一辆摩托车开了过去。他兴奋的指着摩托车叫道瞧这辆!瞧这辆!等我爸一死我就要有这样一辆摩托车了。

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 12

　　At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, "What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones.""To sit next to you," he replied gallantly, "would cause any man to lose his appetite."

　　在一次晚餐聚会上，一位腼腆的年青人一直在冥思苦想对女主人说一些好听的话。机会总于来了，女主人转向他说：“琼斯先生，您今晚的饭量太小了。”“坐在您身边，”他殷勤的说道，“任何男人都会失去胃口的'。”

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 13

　　While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does hybrid pulse D/A converter mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.

　　在购买我的第一部CD唱机时，我能够解读推销标记上面的'大多数技术语言。但是有一个标示却让我颇为迷惑，于是我叫过销售商，问道：‘混合脉冲D/A变换器’是什么意思?它的意思是，她说，这个机器能够读CD碟上加码的数字信息，将它转换成声音信息-也就是说，转换成音乐。换句话说，这个CD唱机能够播放CD碟。正是如此。

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 14

　　The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch(故障) arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron(赞助人，主顾) was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub(涂抹，涂料) of brilliant red.Whats this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.Thats it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?Theyre all drowned.

　　一天，有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海图。这幅画刚开始不久，酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现，完成这幅画后，他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后，那位主顾被请来看画。其实，这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的.一片鲜红。这是什么?那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海，是那次著名的航海。这就是，霍迦斯回答说。可是以色列人在哪儿?他们都已经渡过去了。埃及人在哪儿?他们全都淹死了。

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 15

　　My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

　　我的丈夫对我时常波动的情绪很不高兴。所以那天他给我买了一个心情戒指，那样他就可以从戒指上看出我的心情。当我的心情好的时候，那个戒指就会变成绿色。当我的.心情不好的时候，在我丈夫的额头上就会留下一大块红色的戒指印。

　　超爆笑的英语笑话带翻译 16

　　一场特殊的足球比赛

　　Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."

　　"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.

　　"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.

　　麦克上学迟到了。他对布莱克老师说：“对不起，老师，今天早上我迟到了。因为我在梦里观看了一场球赛。”

　　“为什么它会让你迟到呢?”老师问道。

　　“因为这两个队都没有能力获胜，所以就持续的时间长了。”麦克回答说。

　　超爆笑的`英语笑话带翻译 17

　　two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

　　"look," said the elder brother. "how nice these paintings are!"

　　“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀!”

　　"yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. where is the father?"

　　“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”

　　the elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　哥哥想了一会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

　　超简短的英文笑话1

　　On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

　　在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的`女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。

　　超简短的英文笑话2

　　Professor: When is your birthday?Kid: May 30.Professor: Which year?Kid: Every year.

　　教授：你的生日是什么时候?孩子：5月30日。教授：哪一年?孩子：每年都是。

　　超简短的英文笑话3

　　Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that Id passed todays exam.""Dont trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope Ill fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said.

　　在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的`其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。

　　超简短的英文笑话4

　　A：What’s on your hand?

　　B：Watch.

　　A：How to spell that?

　　B：T-H-A-T~

　　超简短的英文笑话5

　　A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table

　　一位历史老师和他的妻子在吃饭

　　the wife asked “Anything new at work”, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".

　　妻子问到：“工作上有什么新鲜事吗?”丈夫回答说：“没有，我是教历史的。”